We are expecting our second baby (together) in the spring. A much wanted, planned addition to our blended family that currently consists of my husband's two kids from his previous marriage and our two-year old and yet I'm struggling to find joy. I know, it sounds ridiculous, what's not to be happy about? A blessing we wanted is on it's way and I am having a hard time getting happy about it? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me...I find myself wondering if I'm too old for this. Not chronologically. I realize that 29 is a perfectly appropriate age to be expanding our family but emotionally. Am I too emotionally spent to love and nurture another baby?

This year has been a year of hardship for our family. My marriage crumbling right before my eyes, I didn't think there would be another year of having an in tact family moreless a mutual decision to expand our family. In the back of my mind is the fear that if we could were once so capable of screwing up our marriage that we could very well do it again. Old habits die hard afterall. Worry is exhausting.

There's also guilt. Guilt that I won't be able to care for my son the way I once had. All of my time and effort (for the most part) dedicated to him. Will he be jealous? Will he feel neglected? Will I be doing a disservice to him by giving him a sibling? I've never spent a night away from him. No one else has ever put him to bed. Since my husband was deployed while he was born and during the first six months of his life and we lived apart for another six months, my son is only now starting to know what it's like to have both parents around. For much of his life there was only me and him. And I wasn't always the best mother to him. Dealing with my own turmoil and loneliness, there was a period of time when I just couldn't enjoy being a mother. The burden was too great. The exhaustion too debilitating. I still wonder if he will be sitting on a therapist's couch one day saying, "My mom cried a lot when I was a baby." Logically, I know this is stupid. He was too little to remember and he's absolutely fine. He's independent and stubborn and any time we're out and about someone will remark "What a happy boy!" And my boy is happy. I can't say that I want to go through any of what I went through with the separation and the impending divorce again but I can say that without that experience I wouldn't have had the chance to really stop and listen to God and realize that being a mother is a gift and one I should enjoy. With the very real possibility that I'd have to give up my part-time teaching gig to work full time and leave my son in daycare, I plunged head first into enjoying him when there was very little else I felt joy in. Don't get me wrong, he still drives me crazy sometimes. There are days when I just can't watch another episode of Thomas and Friends or I might pull my hair out if I step on another Goldfish cracker. But these things are apart of motherhood. It's a package deal. You don't get the funny faces and cuddles and milestones without the explosive diarrhea and inexplicable bad moods.

I know, I sound like a hypocrite, if one baby is a blessing then another baby is also a blessing. Trust me, I have considered this. I know that trying to talk myself out of having another baby after I'm already pregnant is ridiculous and I know that my worries are mostly unfounded. My son will be fine. He will enjoy having a sibling. My husband and I are now much better equipped to deal with the challenges of marriage than we were in the past and we will be ok. There's the very real possibility that this is just fear talking and not fear of any of the things I've mentioned. Fear of losing this baby. There are so many things that can possibly go wrong. I mean if you think about it, What To Expect When You're Expecting is just a big long list of things that you can flip out about. Since the pregnancy is still so new and it's still so early, I just don't want to get my hopes up. This has become my MO is the past 10 years or so. Don't get excited and you won't be disappointed when things don't work out. Only the strategy doesn't necessarily work and in the meantime, I lose out on a lot of missed opportunities to be joyful. Logically, I know what I need to do. I need to get up (this can be a challenge since the hungover/exhausted pregnant feeling is quite intense these days) and enjoy the last few months of being a mother of one. Then when the baby comes, all I have to do is enjoy being a mother of two. I don't just want to survive motherhood, I want to enjoy it.

Please, God, help me to find joy today. Help me to appreciate this blessing and know that no matter what happens, it is your will and everything will work out the way you intend it to in your time.