I'm in the thick of it. Motherhood that is. I'm tired, I live in work out clothes or in pajamas, I can't remember when I last washed my hair. I am either frantically trying to get something done (cooking, laundry, grading papers, a work out) or trying not to move so as not to disturb the sleeping baby and/or toddler in my arms. In my daydreams, my kids are older. They sleep through the night, they are potty trained, they don't need me to dress them or bathe them. They don't need me to buckle them into car seats or wipe their runny noses. Forget the empty nest, I'd just like to get passed the stage where diapers are a regular purchase and no one needs rails on their beds. I day dream about getting a massage or wearing pretty clothes. Buying a pair of high heels or spending an entire day in bed watching TV. I day dream about spending quality time with my husband without worrying if my kids are ok or if we've been gone too long. I daydream about sleep.
And then I feel guilty because so often I hear, "Enjoy it, it goes by too fast." Followed by a story about grown kids and the passage of time told by mothers who miss their babies. I know some day I will be that mother too. I will miss the feeling of a baby sleeping on my chest, the sticky hands of a toddler. I will miss tiny feet and seemingly endless energy. I will miss the firsts. First teeth and first steps. First haircuts. First birthdays. First days of pre-school. And countless other firsts that I haven't been privy to yet because as far as motherhood goes, I am still a newcomer to the club.
But I'm in the thick of it and sometimes I want to scream, "I'm trying!" And I am trying, I really am. But I'm tired, I live in work out clothes or pajamas, I can't remember the last time I washed my hair. This morning I cried because I couldn't find my keys and my son was late to pre-school and the teacher doesn't like it when the kids interrupt circle time. I've rewashed the same load of laundry four times because I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be doing laundry. I smell like spit up because my newborn managed to puke down my shirt and into my bra and I don't have another clean bra that fits me right now. I have baby weight to lose and a husband who most definitely feels neglected but is doing his best to keep his mouth shut about his needs (mostly because he knows how easily I cry and doesn't like to be the cause of my tears). I have a horrible c-section scar on my abdomen that still hasn't healed properly and more stretch marks than smooth skin. The last time I showered I forgot to shave both legs. On top of having a house to run and kids to raise, I have 50 freshmen that are counting on me to get them through their very first English class which means countless emails to return and scoldings to dish out; pats on the back that sometimes require more effort than the "good job!" I throw my toddler's way when he's mastered a new task. I have a boss who more often than not calls when my house is in chaos and one kid is screaming and the other one is singing and a Thomas movie is playing for the nine hundreth time while the dishwasher is going and my phone was hidden under Elmo because "Elmo wanted to play the puzzle game on Mama's phone."
And then there are those moments when I realize what it is I'm supposed to enjoy. I want to bottle the smell of my daughter's fuzzy hair as she sleeps on my chest. I want to never forget the face that my son makes when he tells me, "I love you so much too, Mama." I want to stop time and keep my two babies in my arms forever. I want to capture the feeling of a sticky little hand in mine and a tiny fist wrapped around my finger. I want to read the bed time stories and kiss the bumped heads and put a Band-Aid on the often imaginary wounds. I want to play trains with my son and watch my sweet baby girl figure out that the if she kicks hard enough, she can get her sock off. I want to look both ways before we cross the street and jump so high off of every curb. I want to laugh with my husband late at night in bed about the silly things our boy says or the funny faces our tiny girl makes.
I want to be totally and completely in the thick of it.
