I knew getting into this marriage that it came with the added responsibility of other kids. Falling in love with the kids actually came a lot faster than falling in love with my husband but kids are like that when you're the kind of girl whose only dream was to become a mother. Being a stepmother is very different though and it's further complicated by the fact that my stepkids spend an extraordinary amount of time with my mother in law who hates me and my husband's ex-wife and I have a complicated relationship to say the least. To make matters worse, my husband is deployed and I live 2 hours away from the kids. What does this mean? I haven't seen them since my husband was home on leave in June when our son was born and then my attention was on my newborn and my mind was in a haze from the sleep deprivation. His mother treats his two children very differently. She very obviously prefers one over the other and as a mother, I would never allow my children to be exposed to this kind of treatment especially not on a such a consistent basis but I'm just the stepmother which means I have absolutely no say in anything unless the children are physically with me. The issues with his mother are too long and complicated and emotionally draining to go over here. Let's just say she liked me for a little while, then we got married and she didn't like me anymore, then I got pregnant and she really really didn't like me anymore. The simple answer is she doesn't like me because she's jealous of me. Her son has found the kind of woman she always wanted to be. I'm the kind of wife that cooks and cleans and irons his uniforms and packs his lunch. I don't stay home because I have too, I have a Master's degree and some years of professional experience under my belt. And actually I work from home teaching college English so I'm a stay at home mom who still brings in some semblance of a paycheck although admittedly I make less than minimum wage when all is said and done. She's under the impression that I come from money because of the way I dress and speak and the fact that my parents both have professional jobs and drive operational vehicles. I don't really need to defend my upbringing or my family but I will give you some insight just to clarify. We're your average run-of-the-mill middle class family who lived paycheck to paycheck. My dad finished his college degree 15 years after he graduated from high school when I was 6. My mom and I were actually in college at the same time, she earned her Bachelor's degree two years after I did in 2007. They have both always worked full time. I have a sister and she has 3 kids and she doesn't have a college degree and she was ok with that for a while but now she's working on it which is no easy task with 3 kids. And that's it. We aren't really close with anyone else in our family. I worked my ass off in school to get a degree. Then I worked my ass off at my job and in graduate school to get another degree. I earned my MA in 2010 and we were married 2 weeks later. I found out I was pregnant in October, he deployed in January.
His mother has never acknowledged our son. Ever. She was very angry when she found out I was pregnant and I'm assuming she's remained angry because despite the fact that on a rare occasion I do hear from her, she's never once mentioned his name to me. I'm not exaggerating. Not once. I sent her an invitation to the baby shower and later I sent her the birth announcement. I thought maybe some goodwill gestures on my part would help. They haven't. And now I'm to the point where I'd just as soon keep my son away from her. But despite her neuroses, I can't keep my stepkids away from her.
For the first six months my husband was gone, I only heard about them through him which as you might guess was only bits and pieces because he's off in another country. After our son was born, his mother started to allow the kids to call me which they do on occasion. Usually to thank me for something I've sent them or to ask about their stepbrother. It's been hard being away from them. Before we left, I was volunteering in my stepson's class a few times a week and was as involved in their lives as I could possibly be. Now, I'm not sure where I fit in their lives and as much as I want my husband home, I'm terrified about what all is to come when he is home and we move back to the same town they live in and I'm left to deal with his mother and his ex-wife again. I'm scared for me, because now that I have the responsibility of raising my own child, I don't anticipate spending the kind of emotional energy I did arguing with them like I did before. I have him to think of and his needs and I'd rather him not see all the ugliness that goes on. I'm scared for the kids because they are going to have to adjust to a new situation all over again. I'm scared for my marriage because we have both been able to acknowledge that 99% of our problems stem from his mother and his ex-wife and the stress that whole situation causes. I'm scared for my son, because he's so innocent and I would die before I intentionally put him in a situation that could hurt him. Long before I became a mother, I couldn't understand how his ex-wife could allow her kids to be used as pawns and to use them as pawns herself but now that I'm a mother, I have an even more difficult time understanding it. And it breaks my heart in a way that I never knew was possible. I'm not a glass half full kind of girl, I have a hard time getting my hopes up, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so what can I possibly anticipate from this situation? And is it fair to even try to guess what might happen? I wish I could see into the future so I would know what I was getting myself into. But I can't. In the meantime all I can do is hang on to the faith that my marriage is strong enough to survive this, I'm strong enough to survive this, and we'll all somehow come out better people in the end.
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