We made a decision today that is going to change our lives completely. We will be living apart for an indefinite amount of time. This was an extremely complicated decision to make but it definitely seems necessary for our family at this point. My husband works out of a very small town in western New Mexico. There is nothing there but a couple of truck stops, motels, and a McDonald's. It's not a family friendly place to live. When we first met, this is where he was living and either he but more often I would make the two hour commute from my hometown to see him as often as I could. When we decided to move in together, I moved into his apartment there and things went down hill as far as our relationship was concerned. At the time, his shift changed every four weeks, it was the dead of winter and he was working midnights. Needless to say I was very lonely. We decided, given the situation, and the fact that he has two kids from a previous relationship that we would move to his hometown which would add a two hour daily commute to his schedule but afford him the opportunity to see his kids more often and me the opportunity to live in a place with more than one stoplight and actual job opportunities. We lived there for nearly a year before he was activated and deployed during which time we found out that we were expecting Sam. In light of the fact that my relationship with his family turned very very sour after we were married, we decided that it would be best for me to move back home during his deployment. We struggled terribly during the year that he was gone. Being a young couple, newly married, with a baby on the way added to the already stressful situation. When he got home last December things took a turn for the worst as far as our marriage was concerned and we seriously had to sit down and talk about if we were going to continue trying to make it work and how. We decided that despite all the arguments and drama, we did/do love eachother and want to make our marriage work. When it came time for him to return to his civilian job, we had to make a decision as to where we were going to live. I adamantly refused to go back to Silver and deal with his mother and his ex-wife so we decided that Deming was a fair compromise. In the six months we've lived here, we've made great strides in improving our relationship with each other. Obviously things aren't perfect and they will never be but we are getting a lot better about dealing with the challenges we face as a family. Living here is not easy on him as he still has a two hour daily commute but it has been especially hard on me being an hour or more away from my friends and family. This probably wouldn't be so bad if he worked a regular 8-5 with Saturday and Sunday off, at least then we'd know what to expect. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't. His shift changes every eight weeks, he works 12-14 hours a day not including his commute, and his days off change weekly. When he comes home, he's exhausted. Sam and I are home all day so if he's working midnights and needs to sleep during the day, it's up to me to figure out how to keep Sam quiet which more often than not, results in me making the hour long trek to Cruces to find something for us to do. The decision to live apart isn't a decision at all for a lot of his co-workers. Wives have moved down here only to bail and move back east because they can't handle small town life, some of his co-worker's families live in El Paso so commuting isn't even really an option. I used to say that this wasn't ever going to be us, but after trying and falling really hard on my face living in the situation we're in now, we've decided that we too are ready to go this route. He has put in for a transfer and applied to other jobs but the federal government works slower than slow and neither one of these options is guaranteed. I'm pretty terrified about this. Not about the fact that Sam and I will be on our own, that we've done before and realistically we do it more often than not out here too but that my husband will be happier living alone than living with us, that he'll choose not to spend his days off with us, that we'll grow apart (not that we're not dealing with some of this right now, resentment has a way of becoming a pretty solid wedge), that he'll discover he doesn't love me. I know that this sounds crazy and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I'd like to be able to say they are legitimate fears but I'm not really sure that they are. After surviving the deployment (just barely) it seems counter intuitive to live apart but we're willing to take the risk at this point. My faith is being tested in a way that it hasn't been in a very long time. I'm a pretty big control freak and letting go and letting God has never been one of my strong suits but maybe that is why He is putting this challenge before me now. Right now, what I really need is a lot of prayer and a lot of support.

My husband and I were cleaning out some boxes in the garage the other night and I found some artifacts from my past that I had completely forgotten about. Once upon a time, I worked for Seventeen magazine, had a column in a local newspaper and was published in a few anthologies. By once upon a time, I mean when I was in high school. Growing up for me was more difficult than my parents had anticipated. Instead of the normal aches and pains of adolescence, life was complicated by real adult situations that at the ripe old age of 16 when I graduated from high school, I was in no way emotionally prepared to deal with any of it. The irony here is that through it all, all I really ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I had no fantasies of being a career woman although all signs at the time pointed to a great career in something writing related. At every turn, I knew how disappointed and disillusioned my parents had become because I was headed in the opposite direction of the great life they had planned for me. My mom never wanted me to be "ordinary" and although I think of a lot her plans had to do with the fact that she was in many ways trying to live her life vicariously through me, I understand now why she has been so frustrated with many of the choices I have made. As I was going through an old file folder with acceptance letters from many of the universities I had gotten into, my husband interrupted my nostalgia and asked, "If you had all of these things going for you, how did you end up here with me?" Now there is the million dollar question...

On baby's first birthday...

My son will turn one this weekend and I couldn't be more thrilled or more sad. It's strange. Since being a mother I have a real appreciation for the term "bittersweet." It seems as though every milestone is just that, bittersweet. I am so proud of my baby's accomplishments (walking, self-feeding, crawling, rolling over, burping, pooping on a particularly stressful day, all the things moms applaud their infants for that seem insane to people sans infants) that sometimes I feel as though my heart may burst. So here we go... To My Beautiful Baby Boy on his First Birthday, Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. You are the biggest blessing in mine and daddy's life together and we thank God everyday that we have you. You are so independent and outgoing. Silly and smart. I can see such amazing things in your future. You and I have been through so much in our short time together and I know I will never forget or regret any of it. As you continue to grow I pray that you continue to be independent and confident. With those two attributes on your side you can accomplish whatever it is your heart desires. I pray that you grow into a good man. Remember, it's not your place to judge others. We are placed on this Earth to love on another. Remember to be forgiving. Holding a grudge will only allow hate to grow in your heart and it is never ever ever ok to hate anyone. Don't forget to offer a smile and a wave to anyone you meet. A smile goes a long way. Always be polite and be honest. You should always treat others with honesty and respect. Remember that mama and daddy are here to support you. We are always on your side to hold your hand, to listen, to cheer your name, or hug you. Our love for you will never falter and never end. You will be loved forever. You are the joy of my life and I am so proud that I get to be your mama. Love, Mama