Rock Bottom

A few months ago I wrote about some problems I was having with my husband. Things got better for a little while and now they are worse than ever. He just walked out and I don't honestly know if he's coming back. I don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on; it doesn't really seem like anyone can empathize with our situation and that's just how it is for now. Lately, I've been feeling like a huge failure as a wife and a mom, and now he's just confirmed it. I know that I suck right now. I'm not myself. I'm stressed out and tired all the time and I'm lonely. I know that I shouldn't take it out on him and I try really hard not too but sometimes I mess up and messing up always seems to lead to a gigantic fight with yelling and screaming and name calling. It's horrible. Horrible to go through it and horrible to watch my son watching us fight. Thank God, he doesn't understand yet what is really happening but that doesn't mean it's not damaging or painful for him to witness. And that is just one of the many ways I'm failing as a mother right now. What I wanted and needed was a little compassion. I am a single mom most of the time. Our situation is such that my husband lives and works two hours away and only comes home on his days. We only see him 6 or 7 days a month because every other "weekend" he has, he spends one day with his kids from his previous marriage who live in another town. That means that I handle the bills, the house, our son, my jobs, and the million other little odds and ends on my own the majority of the time. I also recently found out I have a herniated disc in my spine. Despite medication and a steroid injection to help with the pain, I'm still in pain the majority of the time. You can imagine how good I feel after a full day of chasing after a 30 pound toddler. The reason we chose this arrangement is because his job is in tiny little town and there's no opportunities there for me or my son. There aren't even any grocery stores open past 7pm. His job is extremely demanding. He's on his feet hiking 8-12 hours a day. We tried living in a bigger town that was only an hour away but that didn't work either. He was home more, but that basically translated into him being at home asleep more and I was then left to try to keep our son occupied while he slept. I was very lonely there as I am here but there was worse because there wasn't a mall or park to take Sam to when we needed to get out of the house. And of course, now there's my job. Teaching one class isn't much to a lot of people but it helps me stay sane and I enjoy doing it. I couldn't do that if we were still living a commutable distance to his job. I like it here, I like it here so much that I want my husband to be here. I want him to get a job that allows him more time to be at home with us without the commute and without the crappy schedule. He's unreliable and unreachable the majority of the time. He has no cell phone reception in the areas where he works and in order to get a message to him I would have to call the station and they would have to relay a message via radio. Calling the station is a last resort that I've only done twice in the history of our relationship. I can't just call every time I miss him or have something I want to share. A lot of the time, he's so tired when he gets back to his apartment from working that he doesn't have the energy to talk to me. He'll text me that he's off work and safe and that's pretty much the only communication I get from him most days.


Living apart is not a new thing for us. He was deployed in 2011 for the entire year, so we've done the separation thing As a matter of fact, at this point we've spent about as much time living together as we have living apart. It's hard. It's hard on me. It's hard on him. And we are struggling. Still. Still struggling. I know that if I feel lonely or tired that I can't blame him for it. I know that I shouldn't take it out on him. I need to learn to live my life the way it is and not get overwhelmed by the circumstances that are beyond my control. All I've asked him for time and time again is a little compassion. Some flowers would cheer me up and let me know that he does think of me even when he's not around. If he would let me sleep in or go get a pedicure and handle our son by himself, I'd have a chance to relax just for a little while. I'm exhausted. I've been raising our son, working, handling our finances, and the house and everything else by myself for a long time now and it's hard work. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm just plain tired and what I want from him is a pat on the back once in a while and some time to myself. The only conclusion that I have come up with is that I'm being selfish. I have a really hard time asking for help. I've never been good at it but I figured if there was anyone I could ask for him, it should be him but it doesn't work and hasn't worked and I need to figure out a way to move past feeling like this so that it stops being so damaging to my marriage. I haven't come up with anything yet though. How do I feel appreciated on my own? How do I stop wanting the flowers or the pat on the back? How do I juggle everything without getting overwhelmed? My husband is angry with me because he says I'm stressed out and I try to stress him out too. Maybe he's right. Maybe I just need him to be stressed out with me. Or maybe I just need a full time there for me thick and thin husband and I'm not cut out for this. I feel like he's choosing his job over our son and me and in a lot of ways he is. At this point, he's not trying to transfer or find a job closer. He loves his job. He had the job before I was round so the job has seniority over me and the job usually wins. What's really heartbreaking is that I feel like he chooses the job because I'm not enough for him and maybe that is really what it is. I need to be better. I need to be a better wife, a better mom, a better woman in general and learn to let go of those negative feelings. I told him last night, long before this morning's fight, that I feel worn out right now and need some encouragement and support to get back to being me. At this point, I shouldn't ask for anything because I know that he can't give it and I don't think that he wants to. Why should he invest the time and energy here when here is not where he spends the majority of his time?



Maybe I just need to prepare myself for the possibility that he's not coming back. If he is unhappy then he has every right to leave. I just keep praying that God's will be done. I can't pray for him to come home and I can't pray for him to leave. He has to do whatever he feels is right and God will get me through whatever that is. Lord knows I need strength right now. Strength and patience and clarity to see what it is that I'm doing that needs to be fixed and the perseverance to change. I need God to teach me not to need the pats on the back and time off. I need to suck it up and keep moving because that's all I can do. I need to be my own shoulder to cry on and my own cheerleader. I didn't realize how weak I truly was until I couldn't be strong any more. My weakness has caused this and I can't do anything to change the past. All I can do now is be stronger, be better, be more than I have been because that is the only solution I can see right now. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no better days are coming, this is the way life is and it might very well be this way for a very very long time.