Help Wanted

Job Description: Cooking (points for foods that incorporate cheese as you will be caring for a toddler who refuses to eat anything but cheese and things covered in cheese), light cleaning (picking up toys off of the floor, especially ones with protrusions as you will probably step on at least two of these throughout the day and it is quite painful), laundry (at least one load a day because the toddler's security blanket must be washed before he goes to sleep less he spend the night rolling around in whatever crap he's managed to drag it through or boogers he's managed to wipe on it or slobber he's sopped up with it during pre-school). Also, you must watch Shrek over and over again until you want to strangle Donkey, you must know the ways of the mommy Samurai when trying to get the toddler to take some ibuprofen when he's grouchy from teething. Must have entire soundtrack to Super Why! committed to memory, particularly the pig's ABC song. Must be willing to spend hours on the phone talking to Century Link and Direct TV who will undoubtedly keep transferring you to new people which means you will have to explain the situation at your home over and over again until you're not really sure what you're saying anymore or why you were on the phone in the first place. Must be willing to wait for the Century Link guy or the Direct TV guy between the hours of 12 and 4 which basically means they will show up when they are good and ready and you are just supposed to postpone grocery shopping or whatever it was you needed to do that day that required actually leaving the house. While you're waiting for them to show up, you're going to be silently praying that they don't wake up the aforementioned Shrek-loving, Super Why! singing, grouchily teething toddler who has finally fallen asleep after much cajoling and convincing that a nap is not a punishment but a necessity. You will also have to wake up by at least 6:30 in the morning to wait for the electrician who is usually here sometime around 7:30 and who has limited knowledge of the English language but usually brings along a goofy looking assistant who does speak English but probably isn't any older than 16 which will make you question why he's not at school in the middle of the week. Century Link guy, Direct TV guy, and electrician will all keep blaming one another for the issue but will never commit to being at the same place at the same time so you will be left to deliver messages which will undoubtedly make the receiver of the message angry and make you fear a little for your safety as you will be alone in the house with the toddler and an angry stranger. You will also be responsible for bathing the toddler, which will happen when the Direct TV guy or the Century Link guy makes his appearance around 6 and is now angered by the message left for him. The toddler will not take a bath in the bath tub thanks to a traumatic experience one night when Daddy was responsible for bath time involving water in the nose, so you must bathe him in the kitchen sink and keep the phone handy because he's quite large for a toddler and you will live in fear that he will actually get stuck in the kitchen sink and you will have to call the fire department to dislodge him. After a while, usually while you are fighting with the toddler to get dressed (sitting still long enough to put on a diaper and pajamas is just not penciled into his schedule) the Direct TV guy or the Century Link guy will begin talking to you about things you don't understand and will ask you to deliver a message to the electrician who will probably be there around 7:30 the next morning. You will receive a daily call from the Crazy Lady. According to her, she's your mother. You refuse to believe it and will cling to the belief that you were hatched from an egg. She will usually call when the toddler has finally agreed to take a nap during which time you will be working (oh did I mention that part? you have an outside job too) or trying to regain your sanity by sitting quietly with a glass of wine in your hand. She will also call whenever the toddler is having a meltdown during which time she will proceed to tell you about everything your are doing wrong that has lead to said meltdown and how you are to correct it (basically by giving in to whatever the toddler wants even if you are unsure of the reason for the meltdown to begin with). If you don't answer the phone, she will continue to call until you do then she will give you a guilt trip about how worried she gets when you don't answer. She will also drop by your house with little warning at which point she will comment on your eyes (you should really invest in some under eye cream and concealer for those dark circles), your clothing (you should definitely not wear anything that's less than a size XXL, if it does not fit you like a tent, it will be considered too form fitting and inappropriate for a wife and mother your age, 28). You tolerate these things because she babysits the toddler for free and he seems to like her. You will report to the husband. His job (which is way more important than anything that you do because his job actually "pays the bills") keeps him away from home the majority of the time. He will call when you are too tired to hold on to the phone and he will expect you to sound happy and eager to speak with him which you usually are, you are also just exhausted and hungry so it's hard to express those emotions on little sleep or sustenance. Occasionally he will make an appearance during which times he will expect sex. You are not under any obligation to provide this to him despite his argument that the ring on his finger is a contract stating that you are required to put out whenever he’s in the mood. If he plays his cards right (and by cards, I mean he actually bathes the baby and puts him to bed thus giving you time to shower but not enough time to lay down and fall asleep), you may actually have the energy to grant his request. You will not be compensated monetarily. Your compensation will be in the form of boogers, and slobbery kisses, the joy on the toddler’s face when you’re singing (off key and out of tune) the ABC song, and the tears you will hold back as you spy on him from the pre-school classroom door and try to figure out how he has managed to grow so fast. Occasionally, you will get a date night with your husband during which time you will get a nice dinner (food always tastes better when someone else cooks it) and, if you can promise to stay awake, a movie. He will also remember to thank you for all of your hard work from time to time, which can get you through a particularly rough day (when accompanied by a glass of wine). Serious inquiries only.