Tuesday, October 2, 2012
You can't control who you fall in love with, right? I mean, if you could we'd all probably saved ourselves some serious heartbreak and frustration along the way. I happened to fall in love with a man who serves his country, both in the military and with the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, me. The biggest control freak scaredy cat in all the land. I've survived a year long deployment. The first six months I was pregnant, the second six months I was caring for a newborn on my own. Luckily or unluckily depending on how you look at it, I was well prepared for the long periods of no communication and the daily not knowing what was going on. I was and am no stranger to being alone. The only constants in our lives are being apart and not knowing. I'm not complaining. It's the life we've chosen and someday we'll be able to see each other everyday and go to bed together every night.
Today I'm trying to put on a happy face. One agent was killed and another wounded in a shoot out with some illegals. A couple of months ago an agent died in an ATV accident on the job and before that there was yet another shooting. My heart is heavy for their families and heavy for myself. I know what it feels like to lose the person you love in a tragic and sudden way. Before I was a wife and mother, I was a college kid in love and all of that changed on a hot summer day eight years ago when we were in a car accident and only one of us made it. Most of the time, I can get by without thinking about it. During the deployment, I didn't think about all of the things that could go wrong. I didn't think at all about a lot of things truth be told. I was like a robot, functioning on auto pilot to make sure my work got done, the house was taken care of and so was my baby. When something like this happens, it's almost impossible to not think about it. I have no choice but to think about the "What Ifs" that go along with a life like ours. What if this happened to us? All we can do is pray that it doesn't and pray that if it does, we find our way through it. The sudden reminder of how dangerous this job really is and how very real the possibility is that one day the chaplain could be knocking at my front door is a necessary evil. Or maybe evil isn't the right word. It's just a reminder that I need to appreciate what I have while I have it because someday it might be gone. I pray that when it is we are old and gray and have enjoyed watching our babies grow up and that it comes peacefully and quietly. And if it does happen all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I pray that I can handle it with grace and take comfort in the memories that we've made together and the time that we did have.
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