Nearly every Saturday night I think to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice to go to mass tomorrow?" and nearly every Sunday morning I wake up and think, "Where in the world would we go to worship where I wouldn't have to hear a message of hate and intolerance?" The truth is, I'm afraid to go to church and even more afraid to take my son to church. I'm a liberal and a Christian and being a liberal Christian is by no means an easy position to be in. I grew up in the Episcopalian church. Yes, Catholic-light. All of the stained glass and kneeling, none of the saints and guilt. I liked the church I grew up in. I liked the people although we were one of only a couple of Hispanic families to worship there we were never singled out or treated differently. We were Episcopalians because my mother was married previously and was never granted an annulment from the Catholic church so she was never able to marry my dad in a religious ceremony or take communion (I'm sure there were other things she couldn't do but I'm not well-versed in Catholicism) so they decided to convert and we did. I was baptized in the Catholic church as an infant and confirmed in the Episcopalian church as a teenager. I haven't attended church regularly since I graduated from high school not because of any strong religious feelings at this point in my life my priorities had shifted to partying, working, and school (it's possible I considered them in that order as well) and Sunday mornings were spent recovering. In college, I took a course called The Bible as Literature and it was amazingly eye opening. I now had an academic lens to view the bible from and it was awesome. I loved learning what was going on in the world at the time the book was put together and understanding what I was reading in context. My official position on the bible is that it was put together by men with less than genuine intentions and shouldn't be believed hook, line, and sinker since we all know that men are fallible even men of faith. That's not to say I don't look to the bible for guidance. I do, and I often find comfort in what I find there. I also like to read about Jesus' life specifically. Remember those ridiculous WWJD? bracelets that were popular for a while? I still like to ask myself that before I make a decision, what would Jesus do? You see, my Jesus is very different from the conservative Jesus. My Jesus is a liberal. He accepts and loves everyone. He is generous and giving and does not discriminate or hate. Jesus is the embodiment of love, truly unconditional love because as we know, he was God's gift of love to us. You know, that "for He so loved the world" thing. It's difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that Christianity has been so perverted that for many many Christians it's not a religion of love, it's a way to spread the message of hate and intolerance and when combined with politics, is used as a scapegoat to keep rich men in positions of power and authority. It's disappointing to see what blind faith and ignorance can cause. Just look at the Westboro Baptist Church (go to www.godhatesfags.com for more of that message of love), these people are sick and twisted and yet have thousands of followers. You hear all the time about those radical Muslims but the truth of the matter is both Islam and Christianity should be about love and peace but you get a bunch of ignorant people itching for a fight and what you have is a radical Christian or Muslim; doesn't really matter at that point. Look to Westboro for an example of an ignorant Christian, look to the pro-lifers who don't truly even understand what it is they are fighting for, look to the rape crew Republican candidates who don't seem to have a basic understanding of anything moreless Christianity. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "America is a Christian nation." If I had had a Sharpie on hand I would have replied, "No, it's not." In my head I was thinking, "Are people really that ignorant?" Yes, they are and it makes me sad. Maybe someday I'll learn the trick of tuning out what I know is wrong and don't want to hear and focusing on the "good" part of the message. For now, all I can do is focus on what I know is right in my heart and right now, I'm not ready to do that. Right now, I want my son to learn to take only what he needs and give even if he has nothing. I want him to learn to love whether he loves a man or a woman, it doesn't matter. Love is love. I want him to learn not to chase after material possessions. I want him to learn to trust in God no matter what is going on around him. I want him to learn how to listen to the voice in his heart that tells him right from wrong and I want him to learn to be forgiving. Above all, I want him to learn to think for himself and make his own decisions in life. I know that if he can do these things, he will not be swayed by any of the hate or intolerance around him. In the meantime, I plan to protect him as much as I can and in doing so, I know that I am making the right decision for both of us. In time, perhaps, God will lead me to worship again. Tonight, I pray in my heart and I know that He hears me and loves me.