First Blog...Words are Powerful.

My son was born on June 16. It's still strange for me to write "my son" almost as strange as it was when I got married and would find myself writing "my husband." I guess in the grander scheme of things, I didn't expect to ever find myself pregnant again. Definitely not pregnant and happily married and stable. Pregnant again. That in itself is also a strange phrase. Lately, reflecting on my life up to this point has been sort of a theme and these phrases come up that remind me of where I've been. I'm not the kind of person who says what I feel very easily. I often find that it's easier to write things down. Since my husband (there's that phrase again) has been deployed, I find myself writing him these long drawn out emails every night. I'm not even completely sure he reads them. I think, at times, he just skims them to see if there's anything important in there he should try to remember. Mostly he knows that I just need to work things out by writing them down because it's hard for me to say them. My husband is my best friend. I know that is cliche to say but in our case it's true. He's the only person in the world that I can say things too that I wouldn't normally say out loud. I guess that's why I send those stream of consciousness emails. I'm hoping he can follow my train of thought. I've always found the written word to be more powerful than what is spoken. Saying it out loud doesn't leave a permanent mark the same way the written word does. Try to remember the exact thing someone said to you 5 minutes ago, or 5 days ago. You can't. You might be able to paraphrase at best. Try to remember something someone said to you 5 years ago and I bet you can only remember the gist of what was said and only if it was something monumental. If it's written down, you can always go back and read it again and again. My obsession with the written word began a long long time ago so I guess it's no surprise that I teach composition for a living. In my class, I teach my students to avoid using vague words. Words like "good" and "delicious" are not allowed in my class. The point is that these words don't communicate anything. What's "good" or "delicious" to me, might not be to you, so it's important to try to write what you really mean. Easier said than done but worth the effort. My son came two weeks before his due date. In that time, I had planned to write him a letter. To explain to him all that was going on in our lives when he came in to the world. I wanted to tell him all the hopes and dreams I have for him. Everything that he can accomplish if he just sets his mind to it. There is still a part of me that wants to write everything down. I'm not entirely sure what stops me. I think part of it is a fear that the words that will come will be too much for me to handle. That my emotional barriers will be broken and that once I start I won't be able to stop. How does a mother tell her son how much she loves him? How wanted he is? How special he is? How nothing in the world could ever come between them? It's enough that I tear up every time I read or write the words "my son." And what if I find myself writing those vague words? Those words that most definitely mean something different to everyone? How will he interpret them? Will my message be lost because I couldn't communicate any more effectively than my first-year composition students? All I can do for now is say to him every day "I love you" and pray that in 5 minutes he won't forget, in 5 days he'll still my voice in his ear, and in 5 years he'll be confident in the fact that his mommy loves him and always will.