My baby cried all day yesterday. Well to be fair he took a couple of 15-20 minute naps in between his fits but other than that it was pretty much non-stop. In the midst of all of this, my husband and I are arguing. Yes, arguing even though he's a million miles away in another country. See, our family is one of those very modern blended families. My husband was married before and has two kids with his first wife. Don't get me wrong I love those kids. If I had any doubt about my commitment to them, I never would have married him. I understand that when you get involved with a man with children, they are a package deal. Yesterday, was my step-daughter's 5th birthday. Because of the circumstances (ie, much much drama) I don't get to see or talk to the kids while he's gone. So because I couldn't physically spend her birthday with her, and neither could my husband, I sent her a big box of gifts I thought she'd like. Without getting too much into the specifics, what began as a disagreement about a birthday gift turned into one of those knock down blow out fights where I'm thinking "Why the hell did I get married?" and I've completely stopped caring what it is that he's thinking or saying because he's resorted to insults and disrespect. It was bad. We've only been married for a year but this is one of many many fights that we've had just like this. Except this time, I think, we identified the problem. My husband finally admitted that he doesn't know much about me in the way of those things that you typically learn about a person when you first meet. Favorite color, foods, likes/dislikes. Now this is partially my fault and partially his. He never wants me to talk about my past and because of his job, the fact that he's never home, I tend to go along with whatever he wants when he's home. I make his favorite dishes, we go to his favorite restaurants, I basically go along with whatever he wants. I don't feel obligated to do this, I just figure that he's never home so when he is home, he should be able to enjoy it. In the process of making sure he's taken care of, certain things never came up. What is my favorite color? Answer: White. Why? Because it's clean and I'm nothing if not anal retentively clean, yes even with a newborn my housekeeping doesn't suffer (more on my OCD later). The problem is, well he's deployed. How do you get to know someone (yes even your spouse) when you're in another country? Ironically, the longest nap my screaming son took all day was when we had gotten past the yelling and being mean and were actually "discussing" our problem. I guess something about hearing mom and dad's voices had a soothing effect on the kid who refuses to sleep even though he's exhausted. Another one of our major issues is that my husband tends to treat me like I'm one of his soldiers. Often, when he calls, I feel like he's giving orders and checking up on me, not calling to see how life is going and to hear about my day. As far as parenting goes, he offers me solutions to problems I've already identified and honestly I don't want him to tell me what to do. I just want him to hear me out. I guess it's difficult to switch from being in charge to being a husband again but an effort should be made. Also, my birthday is coming up. In the seven months of his deployment he's sent me flowers once and that's it. No cards, no letters, nothing. Maybe this isn't a big deal to some people, but it is to me. I like those things. I appreciate the effort. You know especially when I'm here alone all day with my screaming kid and I am pretty sure I haven't washed my hair in at least a week.
I don't know. It's the little things that count at this point and if he can't be here physically, I feel like he should try to have my back in other ways. I'm sure we'll get through this. At this point though, I just feel like the deployment is winning.