This morning I think of all of the mothers who are sending their kids to school today in fear that they might not make it back home. It's an incredibly sad testament to a society that interprets the "right to bear arms" as the right to have as many guns in as many places as they choose regardless of who might get a hold of them. The fact of the matter is, we shouldn't have to worry for our children's safety when they leave for school. A scraped knee? Some hurt feelings over an intense game of tag? Sure. Those are the kinds of "wounds" I would expect my kid to come home with after a day at school. I'm sick of the argument that this tragedy shouldn't be politicized. It's not true. This is exactly the kind of tragedy that needs to be politicized. Yes, we need stronger gun laws. All of those ignorant NRA members who think that this is a violation of their rights need to educate themselves and realize that THEY are part of the problem that caused this tragedy. All of those ignorant people who say that Obamacare is ruining our healthcare system, ask someone who is caring for a family member with mental illness how important health insurance is. I'm not saying this as some bleeding heart liberal that comes from a family of liberals and has never touched a gun. As a matter of fact, I come from a long line of military and law enforcement and in the interest of full disclosure my husband and I do have a gun in our house. Yes, I know how to shoot it and load it. Also, in the interest of full disclosure; the gun case is locked, it's in a shelf out of reach to our children, and it's not loaded. There is absolutely no rational reason for anyone to own semi-automatic weapons for recreation. None. Could this tragedy have been prevented? Yes. A hundred times yes. Contrary to the Westboro Baptist Church and their odd belief that everything bad in this country can be blamed on the gays, I'm going to lay the blame squarely on the conservative Christian right. There's nothing Christian about owning a gun, there's nothing Christian about murder, and there is absolutely nothing Christian about putting your own selfish desires ahead of the common good. Maybe, just maybe, this is God's (Allah's, Buddah's, Yaweh's, etc) way of telling us the time for change is NOW.

As I write this, I look at my own young son and I think about all of the mothers who lost their babies to a person with mental illness who also had access to guns.  I pray that God brings peace to their hearts and I pray that their little ones did not die in vain and soon, very soon, we will be able to send our babies to school with the knowledge that guns should not fall into the wrong hands.

Nearly every Saturday night I think to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice to go to mass tomorrow?" and nearly every Sunday morning I wake up and think, "Where in the world would we go to worship where I wouldn't have to hear a message of hate and intolerance?" The truth is, I'm afraid to go to church and even more afraid to take my son to church. I'm a liberal and a Christian and being a liberal Christian is by no means an easy position to be in. I grew up in the Episcopalian church. Yes, Catholic-light. All of the stained glass and kneeling, none of the saints and guilt. I liked the church I grew up in. I liked the people although we were one of only a couple of Hispanic families to worship there we were never singled out or treated differently. We were Episcopalians because my mother was married previously and was never granted an annulment from the Catholic church so she was never able to marry my dad in a religious ceremony or take communion (I'm sure there were other things she couldn't do but I'm not well-versed in Catholicism) so they decided to convert and we did. I was baptized in the Catholic church as an infant and confirmed in the Episcopalian church as a teenager. I haven't attended church regularly since I graduated from high school not because of any strong religious feelings at this point in my life my priorities had shifted to partying, working, and school (it's possible I considered them in that order as well) and Sunday mornings were spent recovering. In college, I took a course called The Bible as Literature and it was amazingly eye opening. I now had an academic lens to view the bible from and it was awesome. I loved learning what was going on in the world at the time the book was put together and understanding what I was reading in context. My official position on the bible is that it was put together by men with less than genuine intentions and shouldn't be believed hook, line, and sinker since we all know that men are fallible even men of faith. That's not to say I don't look to the bible for guidance. I do, and I often find comfort in what I find there. I also like to read about Jesus' life specifically. Remember those ridiculous WWJD? bracelets that were popular for a while? I still like to ask myself that before I make a decision, what would Jesus do? You see, my Jesus is very different from the conservative Jesus. My Jesus is a liberal. He accepts and loves everyone. He is generous and giving and does not discriminate or hate. Jesus is the embodiment of love, truly unconditional love because as we know, he was God's gift of love to us. You know, that "for He so loved the world" thing. It's difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that Christianity has been so perverted that for many many Christians it's not a religion of love, it's a way to spread the message of hate and intolerance and when combined with politics, is used as a scapegoat to keep rich men in positions of power and authority. It's disappointing to see what blind faith and ignorance can cause. Just look at the Westboro Baptist Church (go to www.godhatesfags.com for more of that message of love), these people are sick and twisted and yet have thousands of followers. You hear all the time about those radical Muslims but the truth of the matter is both Islam and Christianity should be about love and peace but you get a bunch of ignorant people itching for a fight and what you have is a radical Christian or Muslim; doesn't really matter at that point. Look to Westboro for an example of an ignorant Christian, look to the pro-lifers who don't truly even understand what it is they are fighting for, look to the rape crew Republican candidates who don't seem to have a basic understanding of anything moreless Christianity. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "America is a Christian nation." If I had had a Sharpie on hand I would have replied, "No, it's not." In my head I was thinking, "Are people really that ignorant?" Yes, they are and it makes me sad. Maybe someday I'll learn the trick of tuning out what I know is wrong and don't want to hear and focusing on the "good" part of the message. For now, all I can do is focus on what I know is right in my heart and right now, I'm not ready to do that. Right now, I want my son to learn to take only what he needs and give even if he has nothing. I want him to learn to love whether he loves a man or a woman, it doesn't matter. Love is love. I want him to learn not to chase after material possessions. I want him to learn to trust in God no matter what is going on around him. I want him to learn how to listen to the voice in his heart that tells him right from wrong and I want him to learn to be forgiving. Above all, I want him to learn to think for himself and make his own decisions in life. I know that if he can do these things, he will not be swayed by any of the hate or intolerance around him. In the meantime, I plan to protect him as much as I can and in doing so, I know that I am making the right decision for both of us. In time, perhaps, God will lead me to worship again. Tonight, I pray in my heart and I know that He hears me and loves me.

Ongoing List of Student Excuses for Not Following Directions in an Entirely Online English Course

1) "I didn't read your email, I'm not one who reads email." 2) "I was sick and I couldn't access the internet" (Our LMS later revealed to me that this particular student had logged into the course 5 times during the two week period he was supposed to be on his death bed.) 3) "The readings are too hard, we're not like doctors or anything." 4) "I don't have the luxury of checking my email from work and I work 13 hours a week." 5) "I never read your syllabus because it was too long." 6) "I don't have assignments due on that day in any of my other classes." 7) "I had a dance competition over the weekend so I wasn't able to turn in my assignment." (Um...so turn it in EARLY?) 8) "I do try to get what you want done in a timely manner." ('Timely' doesn't really cut it unless your assignment is actually ON TIME.)

You can't control who you fall in love with, right? I mean, if you could we'd all probably saved ourselves some serious heartbreak and frustration along the way. I happened to fall in love with a man who serves his country, both in the military and with the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, me. The biggest control freak scaredy cat in all the land. I've survived a year long deployment. The first six months I was pregnant, the second six months I was caring for a newborn on my own. Luckily or unluckily depending on how you look at it, I was well prepared for the long periods of no communication and the daily not knowing what was going on. I was and am no stranger to being alone. The only constants in our lives are being apart and not knowing. I'm not complaining. It's the life we've chosen and someday we'll be able to see each other everyday and go to bed together every night. Today I'm trying to put on a happy face. One agent was killed and another wounded in a shoot out with some illegals. A couple of months ago an agent died in an ATV accident on the job and before that there was yet another shooting. My heart is heavy for their families and heavy for myself. I know what it feels like to lose the person you love in a tragic and sudden way. Before I was a wife and mother, I was a college kid in love and all of that changed on a hot summer day eight years ago when we were in a car accident and only one of us made it. Most of the time, I can get by without thinking about it. During the deployment, I didn't think about all of the things that could go wrong. I didn't think at all about a lot of things truth be told. I was like a robot, functioning on auto pilot to make sure my work got done, the house was taken care of and so was my baby. When something like this happens, it's almost impossible to not think about it. I have no choice but to think about the "What Ifs" that go along with a life like ours. What if this happened to us? All we can do is pray that it doesn't and pray that if it does, we find our way through it. The sudden reminder of how dangerous this job really is and how very real the possibility is that one day the chaplain could be knocking at my front door is a necessary evil. Or maybe evil isn't the right word. It's just a reminder that I need to appreciate what I have while I have it because someday it might be gone. I pray that when it is we are old and gray and have enjoyed watching our babies grow up and that it comes peacefully and quietly. And if it does happen all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I pray that I can handle it with grace and take comfort in the memories that we've made together and the time that we did have.

Help Wanted

Job Description: Cooking (points for foods that incorporate cheese as you will be caring for a toddler who refuses to eat anything but cheese and things covered in cheese), light cleaning (picking up toys off of the floor, especially ones with protrusions as you will probably step on at least two of these throughout the day and it is quite painful), laundry (at least one load a day because the toddler's security blanket must be washed before he goes to sleep less he spend the night rolling around in whatever crap he's managed to drag it through or boogers he's managed to wipe on it or slobber he's sopped up with it during pre-school). Also, you must watch Shrek over and over again until you want to strangle Donkey, you must know the ways of the mommy Samurai when trying to get the toddler to take some ibuprofen when he's grouchy from teething. Must have entire soundtrack to Super Why! committed to memory, particularly the pig's ABC song. Must be willing to spend hours on the phone talking to Century Link and Direct TV who will undoubtedly keep transferring you to new people which means you will have to explain the situation at your home over and over again until you're not really sure what you're saying anymore or why you were on the phone in the first place. Must be willing to wait for the Century Link guy or the Direct TV guy between the hours of 12 and 4 which basically means they will show up when they are good and ready and you are just supposed to postpone grocery shopping or whatever it was you needed to do that day that required actually leaving the house. While you're waiting for them to show up, you're going to be silently praying that they don't wake up the aforementioned Shrek-loving, Super Why! singing, grouchily teething toddler who has finally fallen asleep after much cajoling and convincing that a nap is not a punishment but a necessity. You will also have to wake up by at least 6:30 in the morning to wait for the electrician who is usually here sometime around 7:30 and who has limited knowledge of the English language but usually brings along a goofy looking assistant who does speak English but probably isn't any older than 16 which will make you question why he's not at school in the middle of the week. Century Link guy, Direct TV guy, and electrician will all keep blaming one another for the issue but will never commit to being at the same place at the same time so you will be left to deliver messages which will undoubtedly make the receiver of the message angry and make you fear a little for your safety as you will be alone in the house with the toddler and an angry stranger. You will also be responsible for bathing the toddler, which will happen when the Direct TV guy or the Century Link guy makes his appearance around 6 and is now angered by the message left for him. The toddler will not take a bath in the bath tub thanks to a traumatic experience one night when Daddy was responsible for bath time involving water in the nose, so you must bathe him in the kitchen sink and keep the phone handy because he's quite large for a toddler and you will live in fear that he will actually get stuck in the kitchen sink and you will have to call the fire department to dislodge him. After a while, usually while you are fighting with the toddler to get dressed (sitting still long enough to put on a diaper and pajamas is just not penciled into his schedule) the Direct TV guy or the Century Link guy will begin talking to you about things you don't understand and will ask you to deliver a message to the electrician who will probably be there around 7:30 the next morning. You will receive a daily call from the Crazy Lady. According to her, she's your mother. You refuse to believe it and will cling to the belief that you were hatched from an egg. She will usually call when the toddler has finally agreed to take a nap during which time you will be working (oh did I mention that part? you have an outside job too) or trying to regain your sanity by sitting quietly with a glass of wine in your hand. She will also call whenever the toddler is having a meltdown during which time she will proceed to tell you about everything your are doing wrong that has lead to said meltdown and how you are to correct it (basically by giving in to whatever the toddler wants even if you are unsure of the reason for the meltdown to begin with). If you don't answer the phone, she will continue to call until you do then she will give you a guilt trip about how worried she gets when you don't answer. She will also drop by your house with little warning at which point she will comment on your eyes (you should really invest in some under eye cream and concealer for those dark circles), your clothing (you should definitely not wear anything that's less than a size XXL, if it does not fit you like a tent, it will be considered too form fitting and inappropriate for a wife and mother your age, 28). You tolerate these things because she babysits the toddler for free and he seems to like her. You will report to the husband. His job (which is way more important than anything that you do because his job actually "pays the bills") keeps him away from home the majority of the time. He will call when you are too tired to hold on to the phone and he will expect you to sound happy and eager to speak with him which you usually are, you are also just exhausted and hungry so it's hard to express those emotions on little sleep or sustenance. Occasionally he will make an appearance during which times he will expect sex. You are not under any obligation to provide this to him despite his argument that the ring on his finger is a contract stating that you are required to put out whenever he’s in the mood. If he plays his cards right (and by cards, I mean he actually bathes the baby and puts him to bed thus giving you time to shower but not enough time to lay down and fall asleep), you may actually have the energy to grant his request. You will not be compensated monetarily. Your compensation will be in the form of boogers, and slobbery kisses, the joy on the toddler’s face when you’re singing (off key and out of tune) the ABC song, and the tears you will hold back as you spy on him from the pre-school classroom door and try to figure out how he has managed to grow so fast. Occasionally, you will get a date night with your husband during which time you will get a nice dinner (food always tastes better when someone else cooks it) and, if you can promise to stay awake, a movie. He will also remember to thank you for all of your hard work from time to time, which can get you through a particularly rough day (when accompanied by a glass of wine). Serious inquiries only.

After moving every 6 months to a year for my entire adult life (and my adult I mean since I was 16, when my parents decided I was old enough to be on my own even though I was barely old enough to drive a car) I will finally be living in an house that I own. Well, that WE own anyway. Although my husband and I are still not living together, we have made a lot of progress on our marriage. I attribute a lot of the progress we've made to prayer and hard work. I've always been a believer, albeit not in the conservative sense and I often hesitate to label myself a Christian because of the negative connotations that (thanks in large part to the tea party) that word has gained over the past few years. I believe in God and I believe in Christ. I believe that the bible was a book that was written by man and men are fallible and I believe that a lot has probably been lost in translation when it comes to this particular text. But I'll get off of my soap box. The big news here is that we bought a house! And we're both very excited. My husband will still be closer to work during the week and he'll come home on his days off. We're hoping that within the next two years he'll be able to transfer closer to home. I love love love saying that word. There is a big difference between having a place to live and having a home and I want my little boy to grow up in a home. He's been our real motivator throughout this whole process along with the fact that my husband had a goal to purchase his first home before he turned 30. He reached his goal with 11 months to spare! This is just a celebratory post so that I can share our good news. Hopefully, I'll be able to post more regularly now that I can get our little family on a schedule.

We made a decision today that is going to change our lives completely. We will be living apart for an indefinite amount of time. This was an extremely complicated decision to make but it definitely seems necessary for our family at this point. My husband works out of a very small town in western New Mexico. There is nothing there but a couple of truck stops, motels, and a McDonald's. It's not a family friendly place to live. When we first met, this is where he was living and either he but more often I would make the two hour commute from my hometown to see him as often as I could. When we decided to move in together, I moved into his apartment there and things went down hill as far as our relationship was concerned. At the time, his shift changed every four weeks, it was the dead of winter and he was working midnights. Needless to say I was very lonely. We decided, given the situation, and the fact that he has two kids from a previous relationship that we would move to his hometown which would add a two hour daily commute to his schedule but afford him the opportunity to see his kids more often and me the opportunity to live in a place with more than one stoplight and actual job opportunities. We lived there for nearly a year before he was activated and deployed during which time we found out that we were expecting Sam. In light of the fact that my relationship with his family turned very very sour after we were married, we decided that it would be best for me to move back home during his deployment. We struggled terribly during the year that he was gone. Being a young couple, newly married, with a baby on the way added to the already stressful situation. When he got home last December things took a turn for the worst as far as our marriage was concerned and we seriously had to sit down and talk about if we were going to continue trying to make it work and how. We decided that despite all the arguments and drama, we did/do love eachother and want to make our marriage work. When it came time for him to return to his civilian job, we had to make a decision as to where we were going to live. I adamantly refused to go back to Silver and deal with his mother and his ex-wife so we decided that Deming was a fair compromise. In the six months we've lived here, we've made great strides in improving our relationship with each other. Obviously things aren't perfect and they will never be but we are getting a lot better about dealing with the challenges we face as a family. Living here is not easy on him as he still has a two hour daily commute but it has been especially hard on me being an hour or more away from my friends and family. This probably wouldn't be so bad if he worked a regular 8-5 with Saturday and Sunday off, at least then we'd know what to expect. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't. His shift changes every eight weeks, he works 12-14 hours a day not including his commute, and his days off change weekly. When he comes home, he's exhausted. Sam and I are home all day so if he's working midnights and needs to sleep during the day, it's up to me to figure out how to keep Sam quiet which more often than not, results in me making the hour long trek to Cruces to find something for us to do. The decision to live apart isn't a decision at all for a lot of his co-workers. Wives have moved down here only to bail and move back east because they can't handle small town life, some of his co-worker's families live in El Paso so commuting isn't even really an option. I used to say that this wasn't ever going to be us, but after trying and falling really hard on my face living in the situation we're in now, we've decided that we too are ready to go this route. He has put in for a transfer and applied to other jobs but the federal government works slower than slow and neither one of these options is guaranteed. I'm pretty terrified about this. Not about the fact that Sam and I will be on our own, that we've done before and realistically we do it more often than not out here too but that my husband will be happier living alone than living with us, that he'll choose not to spend his days off with us, that we'll grow apart (not that we're not dealing with some of this right now, resentment has a way of becoming a pretty solid wedge), that he'll discover he doesn't love me. I know that this sounds crazy and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I'd like to be able to say they are legitimate fears but I'm not really sure that they are. After surviving the deployment (just barely) it seems counter intuitive to live apart but we're willing to take the risk at this point. My faith is being tested in a way that it hasn't been in a very long time. I'm a pretty big control freak and letting go and letting God has never been one of my strong suits but maybe that is why He is putting this challenge before me now. Right now, what I really need is a lot of prayer and a lot of support.

My husband and I were cleaning out some boxes in the garage the other night and I found some artifacts from my past that I had completely forgotten about. Once upon a time, I worked for Seventeen magazine, had a column in a local newspaper and was published in a few anthologies. By once upon a time, I mean when I was in high school. Growing up for me was more difficult than my parents had anticipated. Instead of the normal aches and pains of adolescence, life was complicated by real adult situations that at the ripe old age of 16 when I graduated from high school, I was in no way emotionally prepared to deal with any of it. The irony here is that through it all, all I really ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I had no fantasies of being a career woman although all signs at the time pointed to a great career in something writing related. At every turn, I knew how disappointed and disillusioned my parents had become because I was headed in the opposite direction of the great life they had planned for me. My mom never wanted me to be "ordinary" and although I think of a lot her plans had to do with the fact that she was in many ways trying to live her life vicariously through me, I understand now why she has been so frustrated with many of the choices I have made. As I was going through an old file folder with acceptance letters from many of the universities I had gotten into, my husband interrupted my nostalgia and asked, "If you had all of these things going for you, how did you end up here with me?" Now there is the million dollar question...

On baby's first birthday...

My son will turn one this weekend and I couldn't be more thrilled or more sad. It's strange. Since being a mother I have a real appreciation for the term "bittersweet." It seems as though every milestone is just that, bittersweet. I am so proud of my baby's accomplishments (walking, self-feeding, crawling, rolling over, burping, pooping on a particularly stressful day, all the things moms applaud their infants for that seem insane to people sans infants) that sometimes I feel as though my heart may burst. So here we go... To My Beautiful Baby Boy on his First Birthday, Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. You are the biggest blessing in mine and daddy's life together and we thank God everyday that we have you. You are so independent and outgoing. Silly and smart. I can see such amazing things in your future. You and I have been through so much in our short time together and I know I will never forget or regret any of it. As you continue to grow I pray that you continue to be independent and confident. With those two attributes on your side you can accomplish whatever it is your heart desires. I pray that you grow into a good man. Remember, it's not your place to judge others. We are placed on this Earth to love on another. Remember to be forgiving. Holding a grudge will only allow hate to grow in your heart and it is never ever ever ok to hate anyone. Don't forget to offer a smile and a wave to anyone you meet. A smile goes a long way. Always be polite and be honest. You should always treat others with honesty and respect. Remember that mama and daddy are here to support you. We are always on your side to hold your hand, to listen, to cheer your name, or hug you. Our love for you will never falter and never end. You will be loved forever. You are the joy of my life and I am so proud that I get to be your mama. Love, Mama

Better Late Than Never? (Breastfeeding and being a cheapskate)

My New Year's Resolution was to blog once a week. As you can see that didn't work out so well but in the past 3 months, I've had the opportunity to ponder some mom (non) issues that annoy the crap out of me almost as much as the "I birthed my kid in a wading pool in my living room with my entire family watching and while my 2-year old breastfed so I'm a WAY better mom than you" scenario. I just read a post on Baby Center about the appropriate length of time to breastfeed. Here's a newsflash you aren't under ANY obligation to breastfeed at all if you don't want to. NONE. Surprised? I think most moms-to-be would be. Ok so say you do decide to breastfeed; great. But whatever you do, don't do it just because you think formula is too expensive. I'm sick of parents trying to cheap their way out of everything. The cost of formula should have NOTHING to do with your decision. Just like you wouldn't buy a used carseat (or would you?), you shouldn't cheap out on FEEDING your kid. Yes, breastmilk is free but let's say you decide you're going to do it because you can't afford formula and then lo and behold! some issue prevents you from breastfeeding? Then what?

There are things you can be frugal about. Baby clothes? Definitely. Baby wipes? Sure if you find a brand you like. Diapers? I personally will only use Pampers (I have attitude about a lot of things including my diapers and wipes) but I know plenty of people that are content with generics. You may be able to be cheap about some other things too. If you don't have a need to use expensive bottles, by all means go with the cheap bottles and nipples. BUT if you have a colicky or gassy baby, then you need to invest in some Playtex Drop-Ins or Dr. Browns. (Speaking of Drop-Ins, you do not want to buy the generic liners. Stick with the actual Playtex ones.)  I guess you could say this is the "gray area" of baby gear. Things that depend more on the needs of your individual baby. There are things you should NEVER cheap out on. Car seats, cribs, baby food, formula and anything related to the safety of your child. I want a Britax car seat now that my son is outgrowing his infant seat (S1 by Safety First). It's well over $200, I've been saving since Christmas. Drop-side cribs are now illegal. Baby food might be an iffy subject. I feed my son primarily organics. I made his food for a while until he became picky and I no longer had the time to steam and food process all the fruits and veggies (nope not feeling guilty about this one either). I  have  known moms who will buy whatever formula is on sale instead of using the same one. This is not good for your baby. The only time you should switch formula is if your BABY needs a different formula. I'm not saying don't use the generic, what I'm saying is be consistent. I honestly don't know what the difference is if there is a different. I started my son out on Enfamil Newborn and when he got super gassy at one month, we switch to Enfamil Gentlease and all has been well since then. The bottom line here is that parenthood is expensive. Babies are expensive. Use coupons and make educated choices about what you are doing and why but if you tell me the only reason you're breastfeeding is because it's free then you should re-evaluate why your commitment to parenthood in the first place. Kind of reminds me of when teachers say they got into teaching so that they could have summers off. See my point?